Toxic

I got a feeling, this will be my last time writing about my ex. Until now, I still asking myself why we became stranger right now. Something that I, myself, feel uneasy to let go. He was my best friend anyway. But also, a toxic man.

He might read my blog somewhere and I don’t care. He is not a good person. I might break his record as the best ex in the world – it is something that he claimes – but he is not. He broke my heart then how could I remember him as a good person? Something was ‘hitting’ his head because he changed so much.

“Sometimes you have to let people go because they are toxic for you. You have to let people go because they mean you no good. Sometimes you have to sacrifice the temporary happiness that people will give you – in convenience..and you have to chase an unconditional happiness only you can give you. You have to let them go because you’ve forgotten your worth and you have to regain a sense of self. Let them go because they continuously take – always leaving you empty..always leaving you uncertain. Let them go because while you are learning yourself and seeking fulfilment – they’re unapologetically draining you.” – Reyna Biddy

Whoever you are, Reyna, I can not agree more. He was draining me, unapologetically. He did not feel sorry. He said sorry on text but could not say it in front of my face. He was angry on the text but could not angry in front of me. I feel sorry to my self (right now) because I told him so many sad story. I opened my scar, my wound, and my heart. An uneasy conversation that I did not like many people know. One more person knew but he broke my trust.

Too good to be true. Arrogant and self righteous woman. (I’m fucking no idea why I got these labels!). The flip side of me that became his bullet to make me ‘small’. You know what, I feel something fishy. It is because he know who I am before we even started serious relationship. I think you found someone else.

You did not find a solution. You listed ‘my mistake’ back then only to make me think that I was not good enough for you. You did not feel sorry. You said sorry but I could not feel your sorry. That was wrong. When you talked and explained, you actually asked for breakup. It was on the tip of your tongue. Although I sense something fishy, something was not right.

Should I care more? Not anymore, not again, not this time. He is toxic man who always leaving me empty, uncertain. I should let this kind of people go. He is not cassanova, he just an inferior complex man who can not afford to live in my fast moving world. I lost his spark. You lost your charm. Now I know who you are. You will never be my best friend after all. I should forget his empty promise, forever.

A false sense of turning a new leaf. That was me, it is my regret.